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You should start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to...

The Red Planet is about to be spectacular! This month and next, Earth is catching up with Mars in an encounter that will culminate in the closest approach between the two planets in recorded history. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287. Due to the way Jupiter's gravity tugs on Mars...

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A guy is driving around Newfoundland and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yes, I do," the Lab...

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people...

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar...

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I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic...

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so interesting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and...

About two weeks ago there was a sweep of an Afghan valley by US soldiers that is riddled with caves. An on site US commander said that one of the caves was the former hiding place of Osama bin Laden. Among the things found in the cave was the following memo. (Hi guys. We've all been putting in...

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk Cinnamon Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Things That Are VERY Difficult To Say When You're Drunk British Constitution Loquacious Transubstantiate Passive-aggressive disorder Specificity Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE...

SCREWI T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can take a flying leap for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and...

I ran into a TT driver last week who was getting ready to do a non stop 24 hour run to the border, or so he said. Before you say it´s illegal, which of course it is, I see alot of old timers out there who are quite adept at juggling the logs, skirting the coops and in general running just like...

It´s not a mid life crisis, but here´s how things worked out for me. 30 years ago, I was living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,eating pizza, watching tv on an 12" screen, sweating the rent, and sleeping on a sofa bed, but at least I was going to bed with a 25 year old hot babe. Now...

1. HER DIARY Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go...

A cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon. The husband went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said, "This here's a very special 'casion . . . our weddin' night, an' we need a nice room with a good, strong bed." The clerk winked and asked, "Do...

I saw a story on CNN news last night about trucking companies offering $11 an hour for people to sit in the shotgun seat so trucks can use the HOV lanes. They didn´t name the cities. Anybody hear of that,or see that story? They did mention that some drivers were using inflatable dolls, but also...

John Stossel, ABC's "20/20" anchorman, has a recently released book about the various untruths we accept, many from the media and academic elite. The book is appropriately titled "Myths, Lies and Downright Stupidity." Being a longtime media insider, Stossel is well positioned to talk about the...

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends; in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it? Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French...