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This is an annual contest where people are asked to supply alternate definitions to commmon words. This years winners ARE: 1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever...

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy! He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the...

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing. ***************************************** A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into...

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan What is the difference between a Harley rider and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts...

A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to his Beloved widow, but she can't touch it till she's 14. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How do you know when you're staying in a West Virginia hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I got a leak in my sink," and the Clerk replies...

The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates a terrible headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove...

Two Irish guys walk out of a bar.........

Inside.

Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It's so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 6 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door...

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and...

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" MELANIE (age 5) asked...

Nursery Rhymes for Big Kids ~*~ Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and fit; And when the price of pork went up, She shot the little twit. ~*~ MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread. ~*~ JACK AND JILL Went up...

I´m taking some time off to enjoy the sun and R%R. I was recently driving south of the border while vacationing, in Mexico and I saw alot of Scania trucks.Most I saw were tractors, but some looked like class 7 applications. Nice looking rigs, and they also obviously make busses too. I had seen...

I´m taking some time off to enjoy the sun and R%R. I was recently driving south of the border while vacationing, in Mexico and I saw alot of Scania trucks.Most I saw were tractors, but some looked like class 7 applications. Nice looking rigs, and they also obviously make busses too. I had seen...

A kid in Arizona wrote the attached NEW School prayer. Now I sit me down in school Where praying is against the rule For this great nation under God Finds mention of Him very odd. If...

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, #####, someone should go and tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty...

Be sure to read all the way to the end! Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table Tax his tractor, Tax his mule, Teach him taxes Are the rule. Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat. Tax his ties, Tax his shirt, Tax his work, Tax his dirt. Tax his tobacco, Tax...

Inside:

Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack. 1960 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack. 2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI and Swat team called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again...