how would you handle this situation?

[arkjarhead]

Ok I know this doesn't involve expediting or the transportation industry, but I need some unbiased advice. How would you handle your father in law constantly yelling, screaming, down talking and calling your wife outside of her name? I mean the guy is constantly yelling at her for no reason, and I don't know what to do. He calls her names like stupid,idiot,retard, and dumb sh!t. My gut feeling is always to go toe to toe with him, but I don't think that this is the time to go with the gut. What would you do?

 

[flatbedin]

If it was my wife, I'd have spoken up about the first time that it happened. But guess I was raised a little different than most. I can tolerate a lot of things, but MY family comes first.. And the wife is priority #1.. If mamma ain't happy, I know I'm not going to be happy..

 

[sixwheeler]

If it was me i nthat situation Id maybe try to get her dad by himself, take a ride somewhere, go out in the yard, anything, and just tell him it bothers you like it does. More than likely if its just you and him nobody else is around he ll listen to ya, understand,
and stop doing it. Just be honest, calm and direct.

 

[Suds43]

Sounds like it's basically your wife's problem to solve....SHE needs to stand up to him.
You telling him might cause more problems. Talk to HER and tell her to get some courage and stand up to him!!!
Tough spot to be in

 

[prescat]

Hello Arkjar,

I probably should let Dr. Laura answer this, (I'm a lot bigger and hairier than her..), but here goes!

It's time to stand up to your father-in-law and defend your wife. If your both adults, (and not living in his house), you should be defending your wife, and possibly the mother of your kid(s). She is your immediate family now, and he is being disrepectful to you, by talking to her (your wife) like that in front of you, (or even to her or other people). Before anyone yells at me, I understand, the fact that he is her father and her blood, gives him some right to sometimes maybe be mad at her, or give her advice, or disagrree with her about things etc.., but not to talk to her with those mean comments. Just because she is a wuss and takes it,doesn't mean you should not defend her. I'm not talking about fighting with him, just a stern talking to. "I will not let my wife be spoken to like that in my presence, that's disrepectful". He might even admire you for standing up and realize his words were nasty." If you live in his house, and you thought you were mature and grown up enough to get married, do what ever it takes to get you and your wife your own place. I take it you're a Marine, that's awesome, and for years the greatest fighting force in the world, the U.S Marines have been standing up for people not strong enough to do it themselves! Get my drift...

 

[dieseldiva]

It sounds like he's pretty comfortable in treating her this way so I'd have to guess that he's been doing this all her life. God only knows what kind of damage he's done with his harsh words (and I hope nothing else) over the years.

I don't know if he would respect you for standing up to him but it's probably something she's longed for, someone that cared enough to stand up for her when she can't (for whatever reason) stand up for herself.

I wouldn't get physical about it but he needs to understand that she's not his little verbal punching bag anymore. Whatever he's done is the past and that simply won't be tolerated any longer.

She'll always be his daughter but it's part of YOUR responsibility now as her husband to protect and defend her, even if you have to do it against her own family.

Shame on him for never having CHOSEN to grow up.

 

[davekc]

Simple solution. If your wife can't stand up to him, then you must. Have a talk and explain your situation and tell him he will be thrown out if he gets disrespectful. I wouldn't care if it is a relative or the Pope, if they insult my wife, they are out. Forcibly if necessary. Police are only a phone call away.
Life is too short to waste time with that kind of foolishness.

Dr. Dave













Davekc
owner
23 years
PantherII
EO moderator

 

[arkjarhead]

She says he's been doing it her whole life. He talks down to all women except his mother in law who provides him a place to say. He's even started on my wife's younger sister who is 12. One time he accused me of beating my wife and called my mom and gave her a cussing at work. When I got home I told him he better not ever talk to my mom in that manner again. He asked what would happen if he did I told him I would whoop him and if my hands didn't do the trick I had a tire thumper that would. He has never made accusations again and since then he always refers to my parents as Mr. and Mrs. and they are younger than he is. Next time it happens I will calmy ask to speak with him in private, and calmy tell him I don't like it and it needs to stop. I just didn't know if I would be out of line telling a man how to talk to his own kid.

 

[greg334]

Arkjarhead

I can’t tell you much in the way of advice because I don’t know what kind of relationship you all have with your inlaws. But I can tell you about what I did and how I handled my situation. Just to add this, I grew up in a traditional European home and my mother was not liked by my grandmother on my dad’s side, so a lot of what I went through I grew up being very intolerant to cr*p and this carried over into my marriage and I hope if I have some brats that they will learn it too.

My wife grew up in an abusive household, most likely her coarseness is due to this but anyway after I proposed, she told me why she left her house at 17 and why everyone else escaped before her, her father was a drunkard and an idiot. I told her that I am a man of absolutes when it comes to family and home and explained to her what I told my parents as a start, if they do anything like yell at her or do anything that shows me the have no respect for her before or after we are married, they no longer exist in my life – that is it and I don’t forgive things like this disrespect. I told her it will be like I grew up without a family, absolutely no family.

When I met her ma for the first time, there was a comment made to me as we were sitting down at dinner and I explained to her ma the same thing I explained to her about what I would do but in turn I would expect my wife to do the same thing and would walk out of the marriage if she refused to do this – she is married to me, I am not married to her parents. This really got to her ma and her ma asked if I was serious, Debbie told her yes I am very serious which got back to her dad and when I met him, I had no issues and he has been since very respectful towards both of us. See I wasn’t going to be the other son in law who put up with all kinds of comments and BS, I put my foot down right from the beginning and since have had no problem with the inlaws.

So, to me the wife and marriage comes first, the inlaws are accessories and are optional. It is far easier to make friends and have a real home than to deal with idiots who think that they have rights over you. They have to make decisions to respect you, your wife and your home without being told that or having a talking to or not be a part of it at all.

 

[davekc]

I wouldn't worry about talking to him too much. If he acts like a juvenile, then sometimes you might have to talk to him in that fashion. As you already found out, if you stand your ground, he will know where the line in the sand is.









Davekc
owner
23 years
PantherII
EO moderator

 

[theoldprof]

Good post, Greg. You nipped a potential problem in the bud. Looks to me that ark has been having this problem for some time. Pops probably treated his daughter like that all her life. Someone posted that if they live with her father to get out of there as soon as possible. If they have their own home, the first time he mouths off in their home, they MUST BOTH speak up and tell him to shut up or he is not welcome. If it happens in his home, again they must both speak up and say "bye", we'll come back when you learn to speak with respect. Good luck.

:+ :+

 

[arkjarhead]

We have our own place. I've tried really hard to be nice to this guy, but it's getting old. You just can't have a regular conversation. He always has to be yelling. I usually don't go over when my wife goes there to visit. My wife says it has been this way her whole life and she has just learned to walk away from him when he insults her. She says it bothers me more than her. I think she has been so verbally abused her whole life she is scared to say anything.

 

[greg334]

Well Truthfully I do have a little advice.

If there is no 'need' for him to be around (paying the bills, helping with the kids, helping you watch the grass grow or what ever), just tell him "bye" - any cr*p, pick up the phone and call the cops. Don't argue with him, don't go down to his level, don't get p*ssed but be calm and just call the cops, tell them you have someone at the house who is will not leave and let them handle it. Explain to the cops what is going on and ask them what you can do to get a restraining order to get the message across. If they give you a hard time, every time he appears, call them to get rid of him.

I would also explain to your wife that until he acts as an adult, he is not welcomed here - period. It is your decision, not hers to make because she does not know what abuse is because she has lived with it for a long time.

Oh, one thing that I know if this happened in my township, they would arrest the guy on domestic abuse charges. For some reason the cops in my area has little toleration for some of this stuff - they arrested my neighbor in 2002 for yelling at his soon to be wife. He berated her so badly the kids across the street were crying.

 

[arkjarhead]

That's god that the cops in your township are like that. The law won't even come out to our little village to take care of folks drunk driving or cooking meth. Me and my wife are going to have a talk. I've had all I can take.

 

[sanbomi1]

I just ran across this quote. What a difference this could make to your wife should her dad take this to heart...

Too often we underestimate the power of
a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
Leo Buscaglia


Regards,

Mike

 

[kwexpress]

KW Express
o/o till i die

have your wife take out a huge life insurance policy on him.
when he dies she will can relax and forget about all the years of abuse.plus buy you a new truck to boot.

In the meantime just start pranking the heck out of him dont give him time to think about insulting her.put a potatoe in his exhaust pipe see how long it takes him to figure that one out.

cut one of his chair legs almost in to then bust a gut when he falls on his but.

stuff like that. nothing to harsh just enough

 

[Pappy]

If anyone talked to my bride like that chances are very very good that they'd already be wearing their nose under their right ear!

Pappy

 

[whitey1]

That's the right idea, talk to the wife, tell her how strongly you feel, and then the both of you can work out a plan that works for her.
It IS her dad.
Communication and patience, Ark.

 

[greg334]

>That's the right idea, talk to the wife, tell her how
>strongly you feel, and then the both of you can work out a
>plan that works for her.
>It IS her dad.
>Communication and patience, Ark.

Sorry Whitey, it is not something that should work for her, she has to follow what is good for the family, not her regardless if it is her dad, her ma or her sisters/brothers - her obligation to her dad stopped the second that she said 'I do'.

Truthfully speaking here, I don't think it would change after having this happen for years and the only solution is to say 'you don't respect my family or my home, you are not welcomed here ever again' and sticking to it.

 

[whitey1]

Greg, this thread isn't about YOU.
Ark if it really matters to you our opinion here?
Take the high road and consider your wife's feelings first, she is your family.
I am certain you are smart enough to deal with the pop without doing anything ridiculous that would harm YOUR immediate family.