guido4475
Not a Member
I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "youre definately going to **** yourself road-kill Chili.Tasty stuff,although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it,the next day both of your butt cheeks will fall off.
Here's the thing. I has awakened that morning,and even after 2 cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happenened.No Watson's movement.Despite the chilies swimming through my intestional tract,I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as "Thunder and Lightning".
Knowing the time of reckoning HAD to come,yet not sure of just when,I bravely set off to Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck.Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.I selected a cart and began pushing it about droppping items in for purchase.It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.I'm referring to that "Uh, ####, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.The thing is, the pain was different.The Chilies from the night before were staging a revolt.In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,forcing their way into the large intestines,and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief,it happenend.The chilies fired a warning shot.
There I stood,alone in the paint and stain section,enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.Slowly, oh slowly, The pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, as I began to move up the aisle and out of it,just as an orange-aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate..Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?Here's what I mean,and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.I could've warned the poor clerk,but didn't.I simply watched as he walked into an indestuctable,wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running,was to stand and there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.This, of course,made me feel terrible,but then made me laugh....BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing.When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down" if you know what I mean.With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,fearing that someone was robbong the store and firing off a shotgun.Suddenly things were no longer funny."It" was coming, and I raced off to the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way,praying I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side.Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my ### was is burning SO BAD, purging.One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe".He made a gagging sound,and disgustedly said, "Son of a *****!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?, then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom,reaquired my partially filled shopping cart intended to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir,you might want to step outside for a few minutes..It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a few minutes which ought to take care of the problem".
My smirking of course set me off again,causing residual gasses to escape me.The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling up his apron to cover his nose and,pointing at me in an acusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU !!!", then ran off returning monents later with the manager.I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies,I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.*******s claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
Here's the thing. I has awakened that morning,and even after 2 cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happenened.No Watson's movement.Despite the chilies swimming through my intestional tract,I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as "Thunder and Lightning".
Knowing the time of reckoning HAD to come,yet not sure of just when,I bravely set off to Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck.Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.I selected a cart and began pushing it about droppping items in for purchase.It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.I'm referring to that "Uh, ####, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.The thing is, the pain was different.The Chilies from the night before were staging a revolt.In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,forcing their way into the large intestines,and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief,it happenend.The chilies fired a warning shot.
There I stood,alone in the paint and stain section,enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.Slowly, oh slowly, The pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, as I began to move up the aisle and out of it,just as an orange-aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate..Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?Here's what I mean,and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.I could've warned the poor clerk,but didn't.I simply watched as he walked into an indestuctable,wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running,was to stand and there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.This, of course,made me feel terrible,but then made me laugh....BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing.When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down" if you know what I mean.With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,fearing that someone was robbong the store and firing off a shotgun.Suddenly things were no longer funny."It" was coming, and I raced off to the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way,praying I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side.Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my ### was is burning SO BAD, purging.One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe".He made a gagging sound,and disgustedly said, "Son of a *****!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?, then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom,reaquired my partially filled shopping cart intended to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir,you might want to step outside for a few minutes..It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a few minutes which ought to take care of the problem".
My smirking of course set me off again,causing residual gasses to escape me.The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling up his apron to cover his nose and,pointing at me in an acusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU !!!", then ran off returning monents later with the manager.I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies,I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.*******s claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
