Turtle

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Most cutting thing you can say is "Who is this clown?" 'cuz it implies they are A) a clown, and B) not even one of the better-known clowns.

NyQuil - the daytime drive your truck into a ditch cold medicine.

No matter what you feed a dog, they still prefer homework.

Most people are like Slinkies - not really good for much, but you can't help but smile when one tumbles down the stairs.

When a guy says he's fine, what he really means is, he's fine.

ME: It's rude to stare. THE ABYSS: You started it.

Don't bother calling the Gambling Help Line... they won't give you any money.

A peanut with a top hat, cane and a monocle selling you other peanuts to eat. That's gangsta capitalism right there.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

Red sky at night... Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night... well that's just day.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question - probably a bird.

Guys, when a woman is mad just tell her she's overreacting. She'll realize you're right and calm right down.

Turns out I'm not really much of an afternoon person, either.

When snow melts, where does the white go?

My wish for this year is that everyone get exactly what they deserve.