golfournut
Veteran Expediter
Perhaps a chili cookoff!
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
third judge is even better. For those of you who have
lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of
a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes
are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
who was visiting from New York.
Frank:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me
I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is
Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the he!! is this
stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use
of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me
on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting crap- faced
from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb
woman is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I think I broke
wind-four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved
my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ****es me off that
the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous
sulphuric flames. I greased my shorts when I farted
and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except Sally and
that
**** golden retriever. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone. Oh no, the **** dog ate some of that
stuff.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note
that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a
smoldering substance
that matches the color of my shirt and my belly button
is sticking out
so far it looks like it's trying to escape. At least
during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing-it's too
painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
air, I'll just suck
it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Oh
great!! Now the dog is
doing butt-scoots across the grass he's in so much
pain.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down
on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor fella,
wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Would someone use the fire extinguisher on the dog?
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
third judge is even better. For those of you who have
lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of
a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes
are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
who was visiting from New York.
Frank:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me
I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is
Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the he!! is this
stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use
of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me
on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting crap- faced
from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb
woman is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I think I broke
wind-four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved
my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ****es me off that
the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous
sulphuric flames. I greased my shorts when I farted
and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except Sally and
that
**** golden retriever. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone. Oh no, the **** dog ate some of that
stuff.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note
that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a
smoldering substance
that matches the color of my shirt and my belly button
is sticking out
so far it looks like it's trying to escape. At least
during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing-it's too
painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
air, I'll just suck
it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Oh
great!! Now the dog is
doing butt-scoots across the grass he's in so much
pain.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down
on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor fella,
wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Would someone use the fire extinguisher on the dog?