G
guest
Guest
Since my last post was a smashing hit heres some more:
A new contract for Santa (AKA ST. NICK) has finally been
negotiated....Please read the following
carefully.......
I regret to inform you that, effective
immediately, I
will no longer be able to serve Southern United
States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by the North American Fairies and
Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of
Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and
California. As part of the new and better contract
I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so
keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in
good hands with your local replacement who
happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares
my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and
girls; however, there are a few differences
between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These
toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or
a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke
a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please
have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner
and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead,
you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin
and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and
Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves
respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba
Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety
triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The
last I heard it also had other decorations on the
sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with
lights that race through the letters and the other
is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the
Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as
"Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life"
will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas"
and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds
as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you,
I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the
other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been
sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed
Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming
to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will
be played on all the AM radio stations in the
South.
Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba
Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd
Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
A new contract for Santa (AKA ST. NICK) has finally been
negotiated....Please read the following
carefully.......
I regret to inform you that, effective
immediately, I
will no longer be able to serve Southern United
States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by the North American Fairies and
Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of
Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and
California. As part of the new and better contract
I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so
keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in
good hands with your local replacement who
happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares
my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and
girls; however, there are a few differences
between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These
toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or
a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke
a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please
have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner
and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead,
you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin
and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and
Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves
respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba
Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety
triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The
last I heard it also had other decorations on the
sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with
lights that race through the letters and the other
is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the
Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as
"Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life"
will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas"
and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds
as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you,
I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the
other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been
sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed
Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming
to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will
be played on all the AM radio stations in the
South.
Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba
Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd
Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)