CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer


CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer


BULL MARKET< /FONT> – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius



BEAR MARKET – a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.


VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.


P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.


BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.


STANDARD & POOR – Your life in a nutshell.


STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock.


STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equall y between themselves.


MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks.


CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.


YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.


WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.


INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.



PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.