The Office Party

**louixo** · 12-26-2008, 07:33 PM

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2003

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree
will be lit at1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time;
however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy
for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

================================================== ==========================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2003

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on,
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas
carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2003

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ...

You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I
put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous
anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

================================================== ==========================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 04, 2003

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December
20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything
for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that
no cross-dressing allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion
in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the
food . The Grill House suggests

that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

================================================== ==========================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F#$&*ng Employees

DATE: October 05, 2003

RE: The F*%#ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian *****s!!! We're going to keep this party
at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at
the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,
and you'll get your fu&*^%g salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you
know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you [ mailto:fu@*%26ng ]fu@*&ng weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope
you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die you unfestive morons,

The B* from HE*^!!!!!!!!